Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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