New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
bring money and cleavage
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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