i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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