Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
