Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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