I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
