Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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