Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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