i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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