Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
