I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
