Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
