i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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