i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
