well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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