Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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