My room smells like vodka and shame
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
