Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
