dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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