it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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