i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
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