can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
