If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
