Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
