i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You're breaking my sexual little heart
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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