I think my fart just growled at me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences In Dating Men And Women
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.