She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"