I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
