Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think I won the penis lottery.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
