I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
