i just wanna soil my oats bro
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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