duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
