Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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