That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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