The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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