You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
