Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
