Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
