My liver just broke up with me...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
