so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
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do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
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I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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