I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
