so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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