On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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