Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
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she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
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I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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