What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
