Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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