I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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