I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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