remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I am one with the molecules
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
