I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
