I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
