There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
That reminds me...we need to get swords
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
