Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
