I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
