I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
