I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
where are my eyebrows?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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