just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
