i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
