Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
