Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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