...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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